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I will say though, that it is SO easy to get caught up in that kind of thing, especially when people are discussing something to which one can really relate, and are taking about behaviors, physical symptoms, emotional responses to situations, whatever, which echo whatever one's own experiences have been. It brings about a sense of "belonging," of not being so weird after all, and a comfort in knowing that one is not alone in whatever is going on. For me it was certainly an extraordinary experience after many years of being "the only one" with my particular syndrome to find others who looked like me, who had similar experiences to my own in growing up, etc., etc...... And again with the ED it was once more an experience of feeling not alone as I read thoughts expressed by others, descriptions of behaviors, etc., and realized that I wasn't the only one who had certain ideas and who did certain things around what is supposed to be a perfectly ordinary aspect of life. The problem with that, of course, is that while I felt a certain kinship (which felt good, and welcome to someone who had always been somewhat of an outsider) participating in these groups also did tend to pull me deeper into the illness and the behaviors. Once I began pulling myself away from the ED behaviors and thought patterns, which took rather a while, when I looked at the ED groups they now seemed more and more alien to me and it wasn't all that difficult to one day just begin to go there more casually and gradually and then finally stop at some point altogether...... A while later -- months? A year? I deleted the bookmarks as well.....
Now, while all this was going on I actually was in treatment -- outpatient therapy while at home and also from time to time my visits to the ED forums were interrupted by a few stints in inpatient treatment, which was not uncommon among the population of those forums. Someone would disappear for a while and eventually word would be passed along that, oh, she's back inpatient again. There were reviews of various ED treatment facilities, and of course patients' perceptions of what was a good place undoubtedly differed from that of the clinicians running it! Some people seemed to actually take it as a badge of honor the number of hospitalizations/residential treatment facilities they'd had, the lengths-of-stay and the type of treatment. Extremely low weight? Bedrest? Only allowed to be transported from place to place in a wheelchair, no walking or physical exertion allowed? An NG tube inserted into one's nostrils? Oh, or maybe a more permanent type of hyperalimentation with a J-tube or a G-tube? Ah, there we go, then, a really "good" anorexic..... [Never mind that the reality is that a truly "good" anorexic" all too often becomes a dead anorexic.]. Thankfully, something that I appreciate now, I wasn't quite a good enough anorexic and, hey, I'm still alive to talk about it. Some of my friends who were extremely good at it aren't here any more.......
Now, while all this was going on I actually was in treatment -- outpatient therapy while at home and also from time to time my visits to the ED forums were interrupted by a few stints in inpatient treatment, which was not uncommon among the population of those forums. Someone would disappear for a while and eventually word would be passed along that, oh, she's back inpatient again. There were reviews of various ED treatment facilities, and of course patients' perceptions of what was a good place undoubtedly differed from that of the clinicians running it! Some people seemed to actually take it as a badge of honor the number of hospitalizations/residential treatment facilities they'd had, the lengths-of-stay and the type of treatment. Extremely low weight? Bedrest? Only allowed to be transported from place to place in a wheelchair, no walking or physical exertion allowed? An NG tube inserted into one's nostrils? Oh, or maybe a more permanent type of hyperalimentation with a J-tube or a G-tube? Ah, there we go, then, a really "good" anorexic..... [Never mind that the reality is that a truly "good" anorexic" all too often becomes a dead anorexic.]. Thankfully, something that I appreciate now, I wasn't quite a good enough anorexic and, hey, I'm still alive to talk about it. Some of my friends who were extremely good at it aren't here any more.......
